Grouse Beater “The head of drama kept me waiting over twenty minutes, an open area in the deathly mausoleum they call Pacific Quay headquarters. I’d come a long way, from Los Angeles, my second home and place of work, my first still in Edinburgh.
Looking around me in that vast, wide, high empty interior space, office levels stacked around its four walls, I couldn’t help but think how bereft it was of anything that gave a clue to the creativity that is supposed to happen inside. Not a pot plant, sculptural bust, or artwork in sight. Nothing but generality, cold steel, concrete and glass, and an echo.
The place needs a woman’s touch!
Entrance to the atrium, the inner sanctum, is by security gates, reminiscent of an airport. You are given a tag, expected to wear it until you leave. Whoever goes in, must come out. It’s a wonder I wasn’t asked to take my belt and shoes off.
Security? What secrets do they keep there? They hardly make a thing bar some low comedy shows and local news. Everything, but everything is passed to London … if an independent producer is lucky. There it stops, Buffers – London Central.
I wait. As time passes I know from experience it is not a good sign.
Out she comes. Preoccupied. A bad phone conversation?
Blast, she’s younger than me; won’t see me as of her generation, neither cool nor topical. Doesn’t matter I have a bevy of international awards, I’m an unknown to her. Unless, that is, she has my name in a wee black book. Wait, she was told to meet me by my old colleague now Controller of BBC Scotland. Be confident. You arrive recommended, a VIP.
Maybe. Maybe some other advice was given. “Placate this guy but offer no commissions.”
Must stay positive. Freelancer’s livelihoods depend on me achieving. People like me are continually pushed into a corner where we are left arguing for indigenous talent, but against faceless money men in London.
Calm down. Smile.
She sits in front of me, no apology for the lateness. The silence between us has me expect a lump of tumbleweed to blow by. She waits. Does she expect me to break into song, to entertain her? Okay. Me first.
I open with the usual small talk, see her glance this way and that, (bored?) listen to her harden up her answers to let me know she carries authority, for she senses I am not convinced by her. She was not educated in Scotland.
One by one she dismisses well researched proposals, all Scottish sourced material, some with funding attached, all with serious actors. Whatever way I pitch, with enthusiasm, prepared to fine tune, alter main character, offer compromise, back comes the negative. “No, London is doing something similar. No we have a project about women. No, I wouldn’t get that passed HQ London. She hesitates on one novel for which I have the rights. “I’ll read this and let you know.”
I boost my pitch. “I have one of his Glasgow-set novels filmed to good acclaim, “Best Screenplay” from the American Guild of Film Critics, so please give him sound consideration.
“I will, but nothing else you offer is of interest.”
Six mature projects, and only a book held back. Is she patronising me?
As a last-ditch at solid Scottish material I blurt, “I have a project on the Highland Clearances, female led-”
She cuts me short. “I’m not interested in historical costume drama.”
Jeezus. The Scots invented the bloody historical novel. There’s an entire national library of fine novelists specialising in the genre. Has she not seen “Braveheart,” “Rob Roy“? Where was she when Hollywood dramatised the novels of R. L. Stevenson? Now what? Will she tell me BBC has committed all its drama budget to another obscure Trollope novel,“Barchester Chronicles“? Is that the excuse?
Maybe it’s “Pride and Prejudice XV”.
I pause. “If I offered you an action man, fantasy series, how about that, you know, like a Scots Batman?” Her eyes light up. “Yes, I’d like that.” She moves into a spiel about how that sort of series is all the rage in the USA. I pause again, timing my riposte to hold her gaze. “Batman is a costume drama.”
Damn! That bit of impudence will alienate her.
What is a non-Scot doing running a major cultural department for BBC Scotland? Does she have any knowledge of Scottish literature? Did she study at a Scottish university, decided Scotland was the place to live and work? What is her criteria for selecting work? What are her standards?
I decide to test her.
“Tell me, what’s your favourite Scottish drama?”
I promise you, I knew her answer before she spoke it. She hardly hesitates and says, “Monarch of the Glen.”
“Ah” says I, “I can see why, light comedy, prat falls, stereotypes, very popular.” I take a deep sigh and throw caution to the wind. “I’d call that series sub-Compton Mackenzie.”
Back comes the shock reply confirming my worst fears.
“Who is Compton Mackenzie?”
We never met again.
(Epilogue: The novel, a series of short comedic stories set in World War II army days, was rejected, but a BBC comedy series about the army has been produced – by BBC London.)
HDW : I have cried from the top of my voice that…As for commissioning editors…they should not be in the same post for any longer that 3 years as a turnover of such staff would introduce freshness and extinguish any favouritism that may exist. Budgets for external programming should be allocated 4 times a year rather than this ludicrous “We have already used our budget for 2010″ and that’s during 2009 !!!”
As an aside Noel Edmonds went head to head with Jeremy Paxman talking about buying the BBC.
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